New Possibilities

Woke up on my own in a hotel again this morning. It struck me that I'm lonely - but that's to be expected, waking up alone in a big city. Then it struck me that often I feel lonely at home too - and that can't be good, can it?

My small but select group of dear and lovely friends are all the same as me. So busy that we barely have time to spend with each other, even though we know it makes a huge difference to the rest of life. And then there are other people who are more significant than they think. People where I skate across the surface and don't allow myself to connect with them. I was going to say, we both skate across the surface, but actually I have no idea whether they are doing that or not; we're not close enough for me to know.

I have had quite a lot of relationships like this, when I think about it. I'm so desperately worried about saying the wrong thing, looking like a fool, seeming weird, I don't like to say. Why would a kitten choose to spend her life in a submarine? Why do I do this? Another thing that occurs to me is that my few close friends have done all the running to make that connection. They have fought their way into the submarine by really going out on a limb to tell me how much I meant to them. I can think of particular moments with each of them where they told me, meaningfully, that I was important to them in their lives and they wanted me to understand how much they valued and loved me. And I was moved and things were different between us, the barriers had gone and we could be close.

I have been racking my brains and I can't think of a single time where I have done the same in reverse.

I'm so afraid of being rejected and looking stupid that I can't even make friends properly; it's all superficiality and not really saying what I think. Why would I do that? I can think of occasions, more than I'm comfortable with, where I haven't really said what I felt. And not because I was being polite and didn't want to appear rude. Quite the opposite. These were situations where I was touched, where something was said that was meaningful and important for me - and I didn't say a word. Play cool at all times (in case anyone finds me out, finds out I'm not cool).

What a strange way to behave. No wonder I feel lonely. I'm considering the possibility of doing things differently, of being authentic.

How terrifying.