Not on the Radar

I thought it was a big deal.

I've never been asked to do anything like that before. It might not sound like anything much, but in my sector there are a group of people that are invited to do this kind of stuff - and I'm not in it. Actually no women are in it. Of course.

I was proud. I was excited. I was nervous. I was honoured. I prepared carefully, and on the day I felt I did a good job. Afterwards, all pumped up with adrenaline, I wanted to to be asked all about it. Say how it was, how it went, who was there, what was good.

All quiet on the email front.

I got home and everyone had gone to bed, even though it was only 9.15pm. If it had been the other way around, I'd have waited up. Not that 9.15pm would even count as waiting up, unless you're about five.

I'd bought food for a nice English meal, as the au pair is still finding her feet. He and she had prepared it together, earlier. I looked in the oven for mine, but they hadn't made any for me. I've never made a meal just for myself.

I went upstairs. The light was off. The girls were each asleep in their own rooms, and the au pair's room is occupied now, so I crept into mine.

My phone rang. Mum! Someone to tell about my day! She won't understand much about it, but she'll make the right noises, be pleased to talk to me.

"Turn. That. Fucking. Phone. Off."

She heard him, and then she was worried, thought she was in trouble, didn't want to talk, wouldn't say why she had rung.

Some days I feel very lonely.