Jelly

I am a nervous wreck these days. I have so little confidence, I can’t even dress myself properly any more. I want to look nice and I don’t think I do, and it’s hot and muggy and I don’t want to be perspiring and dishevelled, but I have a lot of things to carry and I’m away overnight and and and......

First I put on a blue flowery summer dress - but I thought I would have to take another whole outfit with me for tomorrow, and then I would have to take a different bag, and then it would be too much to carry. The girls said it looked pretty, a word which I which I found unnerving.

I tried the grey linen trousers and a grey and black linen tunic. I thought it looked nice but it got a thumbs down from Himself, so I lost the will to wear it after that, in case he was right.

I tried the black linen skirt but it looks best with the white linen jacket, which is waiting clean, pressed and pristine for me to wear on Monday when I deliver the ridiculously titled Look Good: Earn More presentation to another group of women in my profession - an exercise in irony if ever there was one.

Finally, frustrated almost to the point of tears, I put on cream linen trousers, a white vest, a loose white overshirt. It is a boring outfit and my knickers don’t match my bra now, which is niggling me. I am worried that I don’t look nice, and I really very much wanted to. I forgot to manicure my nails and I forgot to bring another top for tomorrow, so I will definitely be perspiring and dishevelled after all.

I never used to get stressed about what to wear, but now that I am told so often that I look like I’m not making an effort, look like I’ve let myself go, I find that I worry constantly. Maybe everyone thinks that. Maybe everyone notices. I went out to buy a new top yesterday, for a dinner in a couple of weeks, but I had no idea what to choose so I came home empty-handed. Maybe I should wear a dress for that? Or maybe my green skirt, but then which bag? Oh lord.

I’ve decided to give myself a little holiday from sneers and scorn - hurrah! I’m off to London and plan to remain incommunicado. I have the train journey to slather on enough make-up to look nearly human, lunch at a funky restaurant with an editor I like, and an evening of treats planned. I can almost feel a smile twitching at the edges of my lips....