ReThink

I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone about my business, I need to talk to someone about my life.

I am lost and bewildered in a disorienting landscape, with decisions I must make - and my compass is broken. Part of the problem is, I don’t know what I want.

I have a lot of things that other people want, and I worry that there is something wrong with me for not being happy with situations that many others profess to long for: good job, good health, plenty of money, nice house, nice cars, nice holidays, good friends. It sounds ridiculous to say it’s not enough.

And actually it’s not about enough. It’s about instead. I have a good job but what I really want to do is write. I don’t know whether I can be good enough to do that as my main activity, whether there is any point. With a little more effort, I could push forward with my business, my career, to the point where my financial future is completely taken care of and I am free to do what I like after that, including writing for 25 years without ever earning a penny from it. That has a certain appeal, but there is a delayed reward and in the meantime my writing output may have to remain at its current level rather than increase. I don’t know whether this will have an impact on quality, or just quantity.

There are some big decisions to be made on the business front, and I don’t have anyone to talk to. All my friends who would understand the professional issues are drowning in their own work and we simply don’t have time to unpack the situation and go through the pros and cons of the thing without collapsing from exhaustion or indeed boredom. Far better to do what we do, a wry grimace at how was your day? then a glass of wine, talk about something else, try to forget about it for a while.

Same deal on the home front. I’m a giver. Kindness, friendship, support, love, attention, gifts, affection, hugs, kisses, really horny sex. I want to give these things, I need to give them, it's what I like to do, it's what makes me happy. Easy enough to find people who will pick from the list as if I’m an a la carte, a pick’n’mix, the salad bar off to the side, with all the Proper Couples sitting down in pairs for the main meal. Sometimes I feel like that’s ok, it’s modern, it’s fun. Then I realise no-one has ever wanted the whole package.

Sometimes I just feel like the all-of-me has somehow come together wrong. I need to talk to someone.