Freak Show

Or maybe I will join the circus - on account of the freakish lump I have discovered in my neck. I always thought my claim to fame would be as the Bearded Lady, on account of the stray eyebrows straying right down towards my chin now, sometimes, but this is in a whole different league.

Aforementioned neck-lump could be worth a lot of money. I checked out my insurance policies only recently: no, dammit, they don’t pay out if I take my swallow-dive off Beachy Head; although they do pay for me to go to the Priory if I have a breakdown. Which I may still do - it looks really nice at the Priory, and there would be clean bare rooms with crisp white sheets and silence and a break from all the shit.

I’m a Key Person. It says so on my insurance policy, in thick black letters at the top so it must be true. It puts my value at about £300k – I’m not sure if that’s new-for-old, or taking account of reasonable wear and tear. I expect Himself to be hanging bunting on aforementioned neck lump when he finds this out, £300k coincidentally being the exact amount we “need” before he can stop working like a maniac and everything will be ok. I am not entirely sure of the logic of this calculation, or the specificity of the amount. I believe it serves a purpose purely as a notional figure just beyond the horizon – a number which can’t quite be reached.

One way he could mark his success, if he ever flipping would, is to think about how that figure has changed over the years. When we were first together, we watched Indecent Proposal (would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars? Hmmm let me think.....) and we worked out that an appropriate sum in our situation would be the amount outstanding on the credit card. This was about £1000 I think.

Now the Life Changing Amount is three hundred times more. And still he’s running after – what? I believe it will turn out to be a relief to be thrown out of the moving car onto the verge.

All I have to do now is make sure I don’t have to get my head amputated. It may cramp my style if I have to forgo my neck. Appointment made – watch this space.