Playing With Myself

“Are there going to be any more?” he asked. “Postcards? Is it finished?”

No, it’s not finished. I just didn’t have anything to say.

I won’t bring you up to date with events since the last postcard. Let’s not go there: wish you weren’t here. Suffice to say that anything you could have imagined wouldn’t have been as bad as the actual reality. And I’m not ready to lift the bandages just yet.

Alors, me re-voila.

I’ve been doing a lot of driving recently. The mum-taxi has gone long-haul over the summer, which provides me with some quality chat-time with Thing 1 and Thing 2 for half the journey, and a long time to myself for the other half. I don’t want to run any risk of becoming contemplative, so I play games with myself. Really, really embarrassing games but I’m going to share them anyway. What the heck.

The first game I play is called PopStars. This I may have mentioned before. Turn on the Carpenters and pretend to be Karen (although without the anorexia and tragic early death). Sing my little heart out. Whoah I’m good.

If the radio is on, I play RadioShow. Join in the conversation, talk over the other people. Insult them, argue with them, vigorously assert some made-up facts. Flirt with them, tease them, laugh uproariously at their jokes. No matter if the subject is the history of the Congo or Latvian monetary policy, just get in there.

In the Honda, the radio is bust. I have to entertain myself. I’ve got three games for the no-radio car. TomTom is good, but only if I know where I’m going. “In two hundred yards, bear left. At the roundabout, take the third exit”. Sometimes I do this in different accents (Cheryl Cole, Steve Irwin maybe) or for a challenge I’ll try different languages.

DrivingTest is very good for concentrating, and not speeding in built up areas. I tell myself how to drive (always good to be reminded). “Mirror, signal and now move forward. Change into second gear. Slow down, we’re approaching a crossing”. There is actually a harder version of this game, that they make you play on the Advanced Driving Course. You have to say out loud, verbally describe, everything you need to be aware of. "Car turning out from the left 50 yards ahead. Child on a bike could veer into the road. Traffic lights ahead. Dog not on a lead. Lady in blue Honda driving erratically. Road narrows. Left bend". This is supposed to improve your road awareness and make you drive better. Don’t let your friends play it while you’re a passenger, unless you don’t mind being terrified by all the things they haven’t noticed.

Less random and more authoritative is Documentary. They’re making a film of this journey and I’m the presenter. I’m going to tell you all about the places we’re going through, their history, geography, interesting facts, demographics and so forth. Whether I know or not.

Am I mad? Am I lonely? Or do I just have a really low boredom threshold? Answers on a postcard :-)