Settled For

I don't feel sorry for myself (well, not usually). I'm an adult and I must accept the consequences of the decisions I make.

The biggest decision I've made this year just kind of slipped in there, a move not made, a choice not taken that then opened up the board for the next twisted round of this game we play.

"Do you think it's acceptable," asked the earnest, well-meaning Couples Counsellor, "for him to say that you are stupid, lazy, uncommitted to your job, boring, unattractive?"

"Yes, I do", I replied. She look confused. "I feel it's unacceptable. I insist it's unacceptable, that I refuse to accept it But I'm still here, so I guess the answer can only be yes".

I thought about this a long time. More than a year went by. We rubbed along in our state of benign indifference, interspersed by bitter skirmishes where hostilities flared, rockets were fired and more things-that-should-never-be-said were yelled, or sobbed, or wished for. Deadlines were set: they passed and no one died.

And in the New Year, I found a flat. Just across the road, so the children could be near. They could be at home and I could be there until they went to bed, then go to my flat, come back in the morning to get them up. Two bedrooms in the flat, so they could stay with me, bunk up, when dad was away. No need to move them out of their lovely home, just because mum doesn't feel at home there any more. Saw the particulars, paid the deposit, signed the lease.

Told him. He was absolutely stunned. "This is completely out of the blue!" All those conversations, deadlines, pleadings, tears, the counselling, all ignored. " You can't leave - you have a job to do". I explained how my Job of looking after the children would still be correctly undertaken, my Job at the office still competently exercised. My Job of being his partner/secretary/mistress/nurse/housemaid/driver/punchbag - that Job: I was resigning.

Told the children. They were oddly fine about it - on the surface. "You shouldn't stay just because of us, when he is so horrible to you". Out of the mouths of babes..... Underneath though, they were upset that their very greatest fear was in fact now coming to pass. They could see that the plan of the flat across the road would work better than anything else, in the circumstances, and they started to get curious about what was over there, who would sleep on the top bunk, could they see me out of the window when the leaves grew on the trees in spring.

We never found out, because I never went there. Not even to look at it, never mind move in. I carried the keys in my handbag, I thought about what I would take that would not leave frightening gaps for the children at home, blank patches where pictures used to be, spaces in the cupboards, holes in the books. This time I was really leaving, no buts about it.

But I never left. I didn't decide not to, I just didn't go. And I realised after a while that this must mean I had decided to stay. So here I am.