Mother's Day

I hadn't spent that much time alone with my parents for years. Probably since about 1987. I don't know whether to be suprised, or ashamed, or maybe lots of people are like that these days?

We hung out in the morning, then had lunch together, walked around the market, had a Turkish meal at a place called Zest. Finding an upmarket Turkish restaurant, never mind eating there, would have been inconceivable when I was growing up, in the days when we used to talk about going out for a Foreign Meal (this term including all cuisines except Italian – and of course English).

We talked about all sorts of things, and there was no tension, no interruptions. I was wondering whether the behaviours, problems perhaps, that I’m noticing with my girls now were something they experienced with me and my sister, and I steered them towards the subject but there were so many diversions along the way that we never got there.

I was remembering how difficult I used to find it to spend time with them, knowing that they were judging and finding me so badly wanting in so many respects. I didn't imagine that in my insecurity - in fact it's the root of the whole thing, I imagine, as they told me all the time.

"Pull your socks up". "You're not stretching yourself". "You should be setting an example". "We're very disappointed". "You should be ashamed of yourself".

It was very effective: here I am today, never feeling I've tried hard enough or done enough, disappointed in and sometimes ashamed of myself. I still see their judgement is there, but somehow I don't mind so much now.

I know the days like these will be limited in number now. I thought today of the friends who have already lost the chance to sit and chat, go round the market looking at curtains, with their mums. Lost and passed away, or lost their mind and become a different person inside the familiar skin, like seeing a thief driving around in a friend's car.

I sat with my mum and watched The Dirtiest House In America and talked about cleaning products, and whether it would be a good idea to trim the spotty laurel back a bit beside the gate, and how to stop the bananas going brown in a banoffee pie. When I went, she said she'd had a lovely day.

I thought maybe I should do it more often, while I still have the chance.