I tried so hard last week – and for a while it worked, I
think. I put on a good show all round. I saw people and did things that made me
smile. I felt human, I felt as if I had a life of my own outside this cage.
This week I feel as if that was all the energy I had,
putting on the good face just for those few days. The anniversary of my little one’s first
attempted suicide is approaching this weekend and I have such a sense of
impending horror I am being stifled by it.
I am overwhelmed by my life, the heaviness of it, the
sucking heavy mud pulling pulling pulling me down. I can’t remember what you’re supposed to do.
Struggling, fighting, that sinks you down, doesn’t it? Staying still and
keeping calm, that doesn’t stop the inexorable dragging under either. There doesn’t seem to be anything to hold on
to, nothing solid to anchor me.
I am cold. I am sinking.
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