Neolojism

So it turns out that Brian Sewell (who according to the Daily Mail is "posher than the Queen") is not as one might think a sexless neutered artwerk who lives entirely in the realm of the cerebral. In fact he claims to have shagged more than 1000 different partners in a quinquennium. He's the king of the casual pick-up. Who knew?

I also learned a new word from this article. Quinquennium. Words like this are the stock in trade for Mr Sewell, who I am sure bewildered his bus-drivers and engineers and hod-carriers with such pretentious and abstruse vocabulary before inviting them up to see his etchings.

Quinuquennium isn't a new word, it was just new to me, but I could guess its meaning due to my useless, pointless languages degree.  I also came across two new and easily-guessable words this week. Oh how I love new words! And I particularly love these two.

They're two of the one-day courses we offer at the college where I'm a governor. And before you get excited, they're sold out until Easter. We already had a thriving beauty treatment curriculum, and a great line in henna hand-painting for weddings, so we've jumped on the latest bandwagon to offer sessions where one can learn how to vajazzle and twattoo. Popular for honeymoons, holidays, parties (....?) and first dates. This makes dating sound quite scary these days, if that amount of effort is required to get ready.

I looked up these terms on the internet to see if there was a suitable picture for the blogpost. Trust me, there wasn't. Imagine a plucked turkey with some biro drawing on it, and a few stick-on sparkles. It's not very nice - you'll only upset yourself.

However, if you'd like to join a waiting list for one of the courses, let me know and I'll book you on...

Compound

It would be a great job, wouldn't it? And someone, somewhere, must have it. Official inventor of words for new things.

I don't mean the natural evolution of language and the emergence of new words, absolutely fascinating although that is to me. I'm talking about the purposeful naming of something new. As our language is already formed, we tend to use compounds for this (moon-walk, handset, mail-order). 

I saw a beautiful illustration of the power and impact new word-combinations can have, in one of the Poems on the Underground recently called Whalesong.  Do click through and read it: it made my day.  There are also the irritating, lazy ones (Brangelina, J-Lo, Tom-Kat) created to keep the character-count down in a world which feeds on vacuous celeb-goss (see, anyone can do it!) that will fit onto a mobile phone screen.

The one that's intriguing me lately though is waterboarding.  See, this is wrong. It sounds like it's going to be fun: some sort of combination of snowboarding, wakeboarding, water ski-ing. How can something that sounds so fresh and sportive and outdoorsy be so hideous and sinister? It doesn't hint at any of the threat or terror. Call me cynical, but I reckon it's a deliberately inocuous term so that it can be discussed and used as if it were something quite reasonable.

I had a client once who had a warehouse on his site full of barrels. What's in these unmarked barrels? By-products from the nuclear processing industry. But you don't have a license to keep or transport nuclear waste here, do you? It's a decommissioned site.  It's not nuclear waste, he said. We don't have a license for that. It's strategic material. See?

Inoculatte

Hook me up.

I've been drinking so much coffee I'm tripping out. My heart is pounding, my gut is churning, my wrists and ankles are swollen and my tongue is going brown. But my GOD I have energy now!

It's all articifial of course. Having lived on diet of carbs alone for the last few weeks, more or less, I am stupefied by my own blood sugar levels and am having to kick myself out of it with caffeine. It's a vicious circle, or at least it would be if it wasn't too lardy and flabby to be vicious in any meaningful sense. Sandwiches, cereal, toast, crisps. Bit of pasta. The odd jacket spud. It's a fatal combination of stress and weather. Then alcohol or caffeine to cut through the stodge.

I read a magazine article in the hairdressers that said "if you are using something to alter your mood or change the way you feel, that is an addiction. It could be drugs, nicotine, alcohol, food or even sex". All of these at once, how about that? It would certainly cheer me up. Self-medication with food. Hmmm. Uppers and downers, coke and weed, they do not have any calories.

I plan to change my mood by going away for fresh air, relaxation, breezy walks and writing. Cottage booked. Just need to survive this week first.

Don't Misunderestimate Me

I kind of miss Dubya - he had a rare gift with language. I mean, that's a great phrase, isn't it? So much meaning in such a little sentence.

There are lots of words still missing from English, I feel. And no, I'm not going to launch off into some drear and hackneyed do-you-know-the-Inuit-have-seventeen-words-for-snow riff. I'm talking about two sorts of words.

The first are words you didn't know you needed. Daughter No 2 is good at these. Playing Barbies the other day, one of the dollies is an authan ( you know, a person who doesn't have any parents, who writes books). A dalmanation is a good word if you don't like dogs in the first place. I accidentally invented one myself over Christmas: almagnac - reading an encylopedia whilst sipping a fine brandy.

A friend sent me an email a while ago that had a whole list of newly-invented words like this. Add or change one letter, that was the rule. My favourites are:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

My second category of words is the missing ones. The words that we should have, but we don't. I could write a whole thesis on this, but for now just ponder that fact that there is no female-anatomy equivalent of the harmless and inoffensive willy. Girls only get to have their bodies described in medical-Latin, porno or Anglo-Saxon. Someone needs to invent a word, and fast, to help all the parents of daughters who swore to themselves they would never say something as crass and ridiculous as "front bottom", and yet.....

And how come men get to be bastards, but women get to be bitches? It's not quite the same thing.

Modern life has also thrown up the need for some new words yet to be invented. Shouldn't there be a word for a friend-you-only-know-on-line? (How about an "eddy"? electronic buddy?)

And how about some 21st century versions for old words we don't use any more like mistress and lover? Friend-with-benefits , which I've sometimes seen, is just ridiculous. And fuck-buddy is truly appalling (it's the "buddy" part which offends me...) I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with lover, except that it contains The Word We Don't Ever Say In That Context which renders it entirely un-usable. If you feel inspired, go ahead and think of one. Please.

Don't think other languages can help you, often they're equally impoverished. As Dubya reminds us: "The French, they don't even have a word for entrepreneur".