Don't Misunderestimate Me

I kind of miss Dubya - he had a rare gift with language. I mean, that's a great phrase, isn't it? So much meaning in such a little sentence.

There are lots of words still missing from English, I feel. And no, I'm not going to launch off into some drear and hackneyed do-you-know-the-Inuit-have-seventeen-words-for-snow riff. I'm talking about two sorts of words.

The first are words you didn't know you needed. Daughter No 2 is good at these. Playing Barbies the other day, one of the dollies is an authan ( you know, a person who doesn't have any parents, who writes books). A dalmanation is a good word if you don't like dogs in the first place. I accidentally invented one myself over Christmas: almagnac - reading an encylopedia whilst sipping a fine brandy.

A friend sent me an email a while ago that had a whole list of newly-invented words like this. Add or change one letter, that was the rule. My favourites are:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

My second category of words is the missing ones. The words that we should have, but we don't. I could write a whole thesis on this, but for now just ponder that fact that there is no female-anatomy equivalent of the harmless and inoffensive willy. Girls only get to have their bodies described in medical-Latin, porno or Anglo-Saxon. Someone needs to invent a word, and fast, to help all the parents of daughters who swore to themselves they would never say something as crass and ridiculous as "front bottom", and yet.....

And how come men get to be bastards, but women get to be bitches? It's not quite the same thing.

Modern life has also thrown up the need for some new words yet to be invented. Shouldn't there be a word for a friend-you-only-know-on-line? (How about an "eddy"? electronic buddy?)

And how about some 21st century versions for old words we don't use any more like mistress and lover? Friend-with-benefits , which I've sometimes seen, is just ridiculous. And fuck-buddy is truly appalling (it's the "buddy" part which offends me...) I guess there's nothing inherently wrong with lover, except that it contains The Word We Don't Ever Say In That Context which renders it entirely un-usable. If you feel inspired, go ahead and think of one. Please.

Don't think other languages can help you, often they're equally impoverished. As Dubya reminds us: "The French, they don't even have a word for entrepreneur".