Paradox

Not entirely without self-awareness, I do realise that I would be so much easier to love if I didn't want it so much.

The Anniversary Waltz

If I had stuck it out with Husband # 1 I'd have just passed my 20th wedding anniversary now. What a strange thought  - for many reasons. I don't feel old enough to have been doing anything for twenty years, although actually I've been running my business for more than fifteen so I guess it must be true. That first wedding seems a world away  -  I'm a completely different person now, and so, I imagine, is he. No wonder we're not still together.

But lots of people still are, aren't they? How many of them, do you think, choose to stay together because they have grown up and outwards in the same direction, and love each other and love to be together? 

And how many are together for the children? Or, children up and gone, are still together through inertia? Well, these are the questions we don't ask. Facades must be maintained at all times, otherwise our nice middle-class professional world will implode.

My twentieth wedding anniversary should have been celebrated with the gift of China. I imagine after twenty years you've stopped giving each other decent, touching, personal gifts. Or maybe you are chucking so much china around that a replacement batch would be timely.  Luckily I scored the Royal Doulton in my divorce settlement. However he got the cutlery so I had to wait till my second wedding to get some decent knives and forks.

I'd be in the run-up (miserable slip-and-slide?) to my 25th, my Silver Wedding, now.  21 years is Nickel or Brass apparently (so old now that you are collecting crappy fireside ornaments?) 22 is Copper (likewise, maybe a little pikey kettle to go on your hearth?) 23 Silver Plate (replacing your wedding cutlery, I suppose?) 24 is Musical Instruments (nearly at retirement, time to take up a new hobby?) and then your 25th which is Silver, as any fule kno.  Maybe a trophy for having made it to a quarter of a century without killing each other or yourselves.

Are you gonna make it that far?

I of course am on the second spin of the roundabout, and only recently. Talk about the triumph of hope over experience.  My first anniversary, which passed in the summer, was Paper. Since the whole shebang was prompted by tax and inheritance issues, and was therefore a business deal, how very very appropriate.  My second will be Cotton. Bandages, maybe? 

Taking me up to the Seven Year Itch (otherwise known as Woop!!! The moment when Child # 2 goes to college and I am free!!) we can celebrate year 3 with Leather (interesting....), 4 is Fruit or Flowers (see, giving in so early with crap gifts  -  banana, anyone?), 5 is Wood, 6 is Iron and 7 is Wool or Copper. Enough said.

Child #1 asked me the other day "Mummy, next time you get married, I will be your chief bridesmaid, won't I?"

I explained that I wasn't thinking of getting married again (oh so many reasons).  "But you should, you really should!" she urged.

"Oh look!" I exclaimed. "I think that's a chaffinch on the bird-feeder".  Sometimes it's best just to change the subject.

Sex Lives of the Americans

How fascinating! A survey which appears to indicate that Americans aren't prudes after all.  

The results show dramatic differences from previous such studies: this is attributed to the fact that the survey was completed on line.  Unlike being questioned by an interviewer, they think an anonymous computer response mechanism makes it easier to tell the truth.

Possibly...... But I reckon it also makes it easier to lie.  With no lady in a white coat to raise an eyebrow when you make your outlandish claims.  I mean look, just LOOK at some of the results, then extrapolate them out to the Americans you know. It doesn't compute, does it?

I realise it's a generalisation, yes. But I also reckon the Americans I know are not gonna do some of that stuff in a million years.  And they're the enlightened, travelling-in-Europe ones who have been prepared to adopt many of our racy continental habits. Just not all of them.

I've only had one American boyfriend, but it was an experience that made quite a significant impression on me, and I couldn't help but think of him when I saw this survey.  He was my fourth proper boyfriend (ok, lover) and we'd been getting along just fine. Wine had flowed, fun had been had, sex had been achieved on several evenings without too much embarrassed fumbling or unexpected setbacks.

So there we were, fooling around Bill-n-Monica style ;-) Actually I'm so old that Monica Lewinsky probably hadn't even been conceived at that point, but hey you know what I mean.  I looked up at him in what I like to think was a sultry, sexy fashion and asked "do you want my finger in your ass when you come?"

I thought that was a reasonable question. After all, my first two men had specifically asked for this, and the previous one had not asked me to stop when I'd headed that way. Not so with this chap though.  He pulled away with a look on his face like I'd asked him to eat dog-shit. "That is absolutely disgusting" he said coldly.

"I think some men like it..." I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed.  "Not Americans," he stated categorically. He put his clothes on, left, and then put a note in my pigeon hole saying we were fundamentally incompatible and he didn't wish to see me any more.  However as it was a small college he did have to see me pretty much every day for the next two and half years. He never spoke to me again.

I wondered with horror whether the three men I'd slept with were the only men in the whole world who like this after all, and that in fact I was a depraved filthy slut.  Praise the lord for the electronic porn-highway otherwise known as the internet, which has reassured me that is not after all a totally outlandish practice (and that depraved filthy sluts are actually in high demand).   I never dated another American though.

The survey says there are five "basic acts" which may be included in a sexual encounter. These are

• "PVI" (penis-vagina sex)
• Solo Masturbation
• Mutual Masturbation
• Oral Sex
• Anal Sex

Inexplicably they missed out two more (or am I a depraved filthy slut for including these on a list?)

• Sex toys
• Porn

I have a poor understanding of statistics but I seem to recall that to work out all possible combinations of seven possibilities you'd do a big hard calculator sum that goes 1 x 2 x 3 x 4 x 5 x 6 x 7.  By my reckoning that makes over 5,000 combinations.  Is that right?

Suddenly the upcoming prospect of a dreary seven-month long winter seems like a lot more fun! Assuming of course the availability of a willing playmate.

(Listen carefully to hear the sound of hands rubbing together with glee).

Before I Sputter Out

Today for the first time ever, I have given in. I couldn't think of a single reason to get up. So I knocked back a glass of 600mg soluble Brufen (only available in Spain, the connoisseur's painkiller of choice), chased it down with a sneaky CoCodamol and pulled the covers back over my head.

2 hours of oblivion and now I'm already awake again.

Novocaine for the soul - where to find such a thing?

Party Conference

Beautiful Roast Sunday Lunch

Enjoy it. No-one else did.

Just Like Forever

Yep. It's official.