Sex Lives of the Americans

How fascinating! A survey which appears to indicate that Americans aren't prudes after all.  

The results show dramatic differences from previous such studies: this is attributed to the fact that the survey was completed on line.  Unlike being questioned by an interviewer, they think an anonymous computer response mechanism makes it easier to tell the truth.

Possibly...... But I reckon it also makes it easier to lie.  With no lady in a white coat to raise an eyebrow when you make your outlandish claims.  I mean look, just LOOK at some of the results, then extrapolate them out to the Americans you know. It doesn't compute, does it?

I realise it's a generalisation, yes. But I also reckon the Americans I know are not gonna do some of that stuff in a million years.  And they're the enlightened, travelling-in-Europe ones who have been prepared to adopt many of our racy continental habits. Just not all of them.

I've only had one American boyfriend, but it was an experience that made quite a significant impression on me, and I couldn't help but think of him when I saw this survey.  He was my fourth proper boyfriend (ok, lover) and we'd been getting along just fine. Wine had flowed, fun had been had, sex had been achieved on several evenings without too much embarrassed fumbling or unexpected setbacks.

So there we were, fooling around Bill-n-Monica style ;-) Actually I'm so old that Monica Lewinsky probably hadn't even been conceived at that point, but hey you know what I mean.  I looked up at him in what I like to think was a sultry, sexy fashion and asked "do you want my finger in your ass when you come?"

I thought that was a reasonable question. After all, my first two men had specifically asked for this, and the previous one had not asked me to stop when I'd headed that way. Not so with this chap though.  He pulled away with a look on his face like I'd asked him to eat dog-shit. "That is absolutely disgusting" he said coldly.

"I think some men like it..." I said, suddenly feeling embarrassed.  "Not Americans," he stated categorically. He put his clothes on, left, and then put a note in my pigeon hole saying we were fundamentally incompatible and he didn't wish to see me any more.  However as it was a small college he did have to see me pretty much every day for the next two and half years. He never spoke to me again.

I wondered with horror whether the three men I'd slept with were the only men in the whole world who like this after all, and that in fact I was a depraved filthy slut.  Praise the lord for the electronic porn-highway otherwise known as the internet, which has reassured me that is not after all a totally outlandish practice (and that depraved filthy sluts are actually in high demand).   I never dated another American though.

The survey says there are five "basic acts" which may be included in a sexual encounter. These are

• "PVI" (penis-vagina sex)
• Solo Masturbation
• Mutual Masturbation
• Oral Sex
• Anal Sex

Inexplicably they missed out two more (or am I a depraved filthy slut for including these on a list?)

• Sex toys
• Porn

I have a poor understanding of statistics but I seem to recall that to work out all possible combinations of seven possibilities you'd do a big hard calculator sum that goes 1 x 2 x 3 x 4 x 5 x 6 x 7.  By my reckoning that makes over 5,000 combinations.  Is that right?

Suddenly the upcoming prospect of a dreary seven-month long winter seems like a lot more fun! Assuming of course the availability of a willing playmate.

(Listen carefully to hear the sound of hands rubbing together with glee).