Poptart

Miley Cyrus is a replicant. She was invented as part of a joint marketing project by Disney and Harvard Business School, and is genetically cloned in their Innovation Centre.

Focus groups have developed the optimum snub of her nose, curliness of her curls and the length of each eyelash. Her voice, however, has been taken from a forty year old soul singer, and the springiness of her dancing is due to the injection of a very small amount of Tigger DNA. This also accounts for her constant cartoonish cheeriness.

Her support act last night was her big brother's band. Her little brother was playing rhythm guitar in her set. Her dad is in the TV programme. The middle part of the show featured an extract from her film coming out next year. A long extract - about ten minutes. And it formed the backdrop to two subsequent songs. I'm suprised they weren't selling advance tickets there and then - text this number now.

We'd paid £250 for the tickets, but they'd had another £80 off us before we sat down (T shirts, programme, parking, hot dogs). It's a sophisticated machine, for sure.

They are grafting hard to get it right this time, after the Britney/Jamie-Lyn Spears family extravaganza crashed and burned so horribly. They are working on cloning a V2 Britney (going back to the plaits and mini-skirt jail-bait look which made the dads google her as often as YouPorn) whilst in the meantime, Terminators and Blade Runners are hunting the V1 Brit across the trailer-trash wastelands of America to take her out before she does any more damage.

If you don't believe it's a sinister cult, try watching 10,000 little girls, mesmerised and with shining eyes, line dancing in synchronisation.

Pop it, lock it, polka dot it,
Countrify and hip hop hip.
Put your hawk in the sky
Move side to side,
Jump to left, stick it -
Gliiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

Terrifying.