Les Mots

So I’m back. Did you miss me?

I was unexpectedly detained on a small volcanic island, courtesy of another small volcanic island and its absurd is-it-April-Fools-Day ash cloud. And haven’t all our brains expanded with the new knowledge? Jet streams, vitrification, aircraft engines, sub-glacial faults, the geology and agriculture of Iceland, Atlantic weather systems, ferry timetables to Cadiz, coach timetables from Madrid, the absence of frills that a no-frills airline will provide, the number of possible combinations from a limited half-board menu..... one thing I did to pass the time was to learn how to correctly pronounce Ejafjollajokkull. I am a linguist, after all.

I used the time to test out a number of maxims:

- You can burn even when it’s cloudy
- No two Spaniards make paella in the same way
- L’enfer, c’est les autres
- No-one will miss you when you’re gone

I can confirm that these are all indeed true. Sometimes too much truth can be a bad thing, I reckon. For example, while I was passing the time reading, learning stuff, swimming, necking sangria and so forth, he was mainly taking the opportunity to point out how much weight I had gained over the winter, and how horrible I was looking.

I could not contest the truth of this, but I still didn’t like it.

You’d think having my parents there might have helped, but they present their own challenges when at close quarters for an extended period. My mother likes to ask questions:

- Have the girls got suncream on?
- Have you put your passports in the safe?
- Have you locked your apartment?
- Have you got a drink of water for the car?
- Are you swimming?
- Are you having a jug of sangria?

Yes, mum. My father has a lively mind and is in full fettle with the upcoming election. He likes to preface his conversational gambits with openings such as:

- D’you know what your problem is? It’s.....
- The trouble with people like you is....

I have to put the little continuation dots there as I have no idea what comes after. I find that my ears automatically close over in a Pavlovian way at that sort of trigger.

So I’m back. Me voilà. And the world still turned without me. And the things and the people I missed were all just dandy in the absence of my presence. I didn’t expect anything else, but it still made me feel like an ant.

I took advantage of the enforced absence and fresh air to kick start a diet and exercise campaign. It’s going well, it’s already having a benefit. It's difficult to eat, actually, as I have lockjaw from gritting my teeth so hard the last fortnight.

But when I take the girls to school, I park round the corner and stay in the car. Just in case he was right.