Taking Matters in Hand

He looks at porn a lot. Not that he's made a big announcement about it or anything like that, but he doesn't delete his browsing history, and I'm not sure he realises that the cable TV bill is itemised.

I think the less of him for this.

It's not for the watching per se, not at all. It's not as if I haven't been known to indulge on my own account. It's not even the fact that he's downstairs on the laptop when I'm upstairs in bed and he could be having real-life sex (long story here....................let's leave that for today).

It's the lack of discernment I object to. Juggworld, Page 3, Mature Red Hot Amateurs....... I am disappointed at the selection of chavvy scrubbers to be found in these low-rent locations. I can't see the appeal of spotty backs - and spotty arses for that matter - shagging on nylon duvets and plastic sofas in tower blocks. Call me a snob.

I secretly despise the poor resource-discovery skills being exhibited here. There is a much wider variety of free-view shows to be found than paying £7.50 a toss on the cable tv (RedTube or YouPorn, anyone?) And if he's prepared to pay then why not invest in something decent? Fellucia Blow has nice hair, too.

I saw a very funny Jack Dee sketch a couple of weeks ago. Recalling Tomorrow's World and the developments it heralded. "In the year 2010," he intoned seriously, "men will spend their evenings hunched over their keyboards wanking like safari park chimps". I laughed as loudly as I liked, for I was upstairs in bed on my own watching TV and he was......downstairs, 'working'.

Boy-porn doesn't always hit the spot for us girls, though. There isn't enough of a build up. One minute he's arrived to fix the washing machine, the next minute they're naked and getting it on. The films that attempt to add in a bit of a preamble are even worse, due to the appalling acting and clunky Eastern European or Dartford accents.

We like foreplay, remember? We like to be in a state of trembling, breathless anticipation before the money-shot. That's why we like Mr Darcy in his wet shirt walking out of the lake in Episode Five, whereas the boys like to see Naughty Nina being double-penetrated and taking a faceful all in the first five minutes otherwise it's too late.

I'm generalising wildly, of course. And because I'm shameless and curious, I've asked quite a lot of the guys I know to weblink me to their favourite porn. Some men are cool with this question, some dodge it, a small few have been outraged. Some will tell me happily, others absolutely won't. I wonder how much they edit their choices........ and inevitably I wonder even more about the boys that won't say.

Maybe it should be the second question on my next-life Suitability Questionnaire?