Bitter Endings

Oh god. Yet another couple in our group of friends has announced they are splitting up. The house goes on the market this week, they've told the children, they've told the schools, told their parents even.

And as usual, it's the wife who's driving the split. Because she's quite simply had enough. And as usual, all the women were thinking this is the inevitable sad end to a situation that has been deteriorating before our observant, empathetic eyes for a number of years. And as usual, the men are completed stunned and astounded, it's unbelievable they say, what is she thinking? She has a lovely life. She must be mad. In fact she must need counselling. She's broken, maybe therapy can fix her.

It was the usual story. Two clever graduates meet and pursue their careers. They want a family, so they have one. Wife has three children, has major domestic hassle to deal with, and attempts to continue her career. Husband carries on exactly as he did before, but now he has lovely children to cuddle when he's at home and not busy with his MBA, hockey, conferences abroad and so forth. Wife is running herself ragged doing all the mum-stuff, plus a full-on boy-job at work (top-flight automotive engineer no less), plus all the boy stuff at home. Husband manages the odd boy-job (when he's there) but then collects great glory from his friends by cooking a fantastic barbecue once a year (he never cooks the rest of the time). This, along with constructing a swing, enables him to join the ranks of the Superdads.

It's easy to be a Superdad. Push the pushchair once or twice through town, change a nappy when other people are around, have the kids for one weekend while your wife goes to the spa and job done. Fuck's sake.

Being a Superhusband would be much harder. It's like comparing a walk down the towpath with a trek to the Pole. The boys just aren't remotely up to it (and I use the term boys advisedly). Being a Superhusband would involve doing all the boy-jobs at home every weekend; taking it as read that the wife will wish to pursue the career she's been working so hard towards since before you even met her; acknowledging that both partners should have time to see friends and pursue a leisure activity or two; doing your half (it's more than a bit); and making time for long, considerate sex with tons of foreplay. This shouldn't be insurmountably difficult and yet it appears to be impossible, based on the evidence.

The children adjust really well to these changes. Bearing in mind three of my good friends have got divorced in the last 3 years, I can see this up close. The kids that are struggling are the ones whose parents are arguing. Damn damn damn: this is ruining my theory about sticking it out for the children.

Thing is, it reaches a point where we're left to our own devices so much, it makes no difference whether he's there or not, and the children only see him at weekends anyway. Boys, what are you thinking?? You're hopeless and lonely on your own, and it would take so little effort.....