Butter Me Up

"I want us to be friends," he said. "I don't want us to fight".

Ok....I thought cautiously..... and went off for a weekend of spa treatments and walking and reading and having a nice time with my best friend. "Have a lovely time", he said, disconcertingly.  So I did. Facial, body-wrap, swim, steam room, magnificent walk in the Malverns, dinners, chats, luxury pedicure, the lot. Hell I felt amazing. Chilled out, pampered, utterly lovely inside and out. And he'd promised to make a family dinner for when I got back, to show the girls what great friends we were.

I got home about 6pm. It ticked around to 7pm, and no sign of any food. "What's for tea, then?" I asked, in a friendly fashion as is our new and unnerving way.  He looked at me in a confusion. "You said you'd make tea....," I reminded him.

"Shall I see if the girls want some toast?" he offered. I rolled my eyes.

"Did you wash the school uniforms?" I wondered.  He did put a dark wash in (school shirts??) but he didn't check first to see if their uniform was in there. A foolish beginner's error.

Didn't I understand how busy he had been? He had looked after the girls all weekend, taken them to Stagecoach, made fajitas, done two loads of washing (although one of them must have comprised 17 shirts, must go down shortly and check how they've come out...) He had been rushing around all weekend and felt like he'd hardly achieved anything, and had work to do and hadn't done it and was exhausted... didn't I understand? Why was I attacking him with my Ridiculous Questions and my Rolling Eyes?

"Welcome," I said, "to my weekend world". Then we had a huge row in which I screamed and raged and yelled and swore and banged about. And he looked at me coldly and said I was bullying him.  And I shouted that he was a total cunt.

And I actually thought for a moment I might kill him. But then suddenly I felt very very tired, tired in my bones, and I just couldn't be arsed. So I made some toast for my terrified, trembling, tearful girls and brushed their hair until their sobs were stilled, and kissed them goodnight and tidied up the kitchen.

I totally suck at being a wife and mother.