I Stand Corrected

“You must think men are very superficial”, he said. Was his tongue in his cheek, or was he a little offended? “Nooooo,” I replied. “Do you like any of those clothes, though?”

Course, he didn't want to answer that one. It might make him look superficial. So he’s going to spend the day being Very Important And Serious, and I’m going to give you ten reasons why boys don’t in fact hate these clothes, but would love us to wear them.

Channelling once again the voice of my Inner Lad, let’s see if I can rise to the challenge.

1. Harem pants
If I’m totally honest, I don’t really know what they are. But I like the sound of them because I like the idea of a harem. I imagine they would be worn with one of those sort of Eastern dusky-maiden crop tops which is quite tight, and a mysterious veil. I’m liking it.

2. Jumpsuits
This is a good outfit for skydiving (I like a girl with a sense of adventure) or mending your car (practical). I have noticed that sometimes the silkier ones can kind of edge into the crack of your ass when you’re walking and I know you find that embarrassing and inconvenient but it’s kind of intriguing.

3. Headbands
At first headbands were scaring me, with those overtones of kamikaze pilots and Christopher Walken playing Russian roulette in the Deer Hunter. But then I remembered Xena Warrior Princess wears one, and suddenly everything was ok. Looking like one of my wank-fantasies is always ok. You could even have a weird curly ear-bun hairstyle-thing if you looked liked Princess Leia.

4. Gladiator sandals
You could wear these with a short, tight Roman toga kinda thing, and have a cat fight with another girl and I could watch. That would be fun. I think Xena wears these, s'cuse me while I just go check.

5. Dungarees
Nothing wrong, per se. The problem starts when you make the mistake of wearing some kind of top underneath. Dungarees and nothing else, and your breasts constantly slipping into view and threatening to tumble out beyond that narrow bib/strap part, that works.

6. Leggings
No complicated fastenings to grapple with, so I can pull them down easily, without the threat of laddering them, unlike tights, which make me a bit nervous.

7. Uggs
Gymslips are so last-century. Any decent schoolgirl fantasy would now have to involve a nubile young thing in Uggs and skinny jeans.

8. Oversize sunglasses
Peer over the top of them and look at me in a sexy way.  I'm thinking like the Lolita movie (part of me is still daydreaming about item 7. I'm not saying which part).

9. Tuxedos
They make you look androgynous, which makes me question your sexuality. I like this, because I've always fantasised about watching you get it on with your best friend  -  maybe you have too?

10. Anything with fringes on it
I still don't know what they are for.

Later, he qualified his first email by admitting that yes, he did like all of these items "in appropriate settings and on the right woman". 

So as long as it's Halle Berry on a terrace by the hot tub, with a vast double bed just in view through the French windows, any of these garments are fine.