Ten More Things

It’s an excellent suggestion, thank you. I’ve been mulling it over and it’s taken me a while to come up with a definitive list, but here it is. Ten Things Men Wear That Women Hate. And inevitably, the reasons why.

1. The wrong trousers

There are many ways for trousers to be wrong. Too baggy round the back (we like to see a well-shaped bum). Too tight round the front (we may enjoy the frisson of subtle hard-on but we don’t want to see the full contours of your bollocks, thanks very much). This is the male equivalent of camel-toe, but I don’t know what it’s called. The wrong fastenings. We like jeans with a button fly (cos we grew up fantasising about the Levi 501 laundrette boy); or suit trousers with the erotic complications of a properly tailored zip-and-clip challenge.

2. The wrong tie

There are fashions in ties. If you haven’t noticed this, shame on you. Commonest tie-horrors are hideously-off-trend, grubby, snagged or the ultimate sin: novelty. Cartoon characters, slogans, company logos are all verboten.

3. The wrong shoes

You can judge a lot about a man by his shoes. Don’t underspend: cheap shoes smell, make your feet hurt, wear out quickly. Oh, and they look crap too. Work shoes should be polished and smart. If you’re nervous, stick to a brand like Church’s or Jones. You might not be the height of fashion but you won’t be embarrassing yourself by accidentally buying Elton-John stack-heeled glitter boots. The wrong shoes include trainers (unless actually inside the gym or running); shoes that fasten with Velcro (are you a baby?); shoes that look like they are made for comfort rather than style (are you grandad? Do you have a club foot?); shoes with heels (are you a gay salsa teacher?); shoes that are made of plastic (are you a chav?); sandals (are you a baby? Are you Jesus?)

Buying the right shoes is hard. The best advice is to take a girl with you, or get all metrosexual and start reading the style pages. Socks should not be worn with sandals, but you knew that already. If your feet will be on show, on holiday for instance, look after them properly. It’s right, not wrong, to consider a pedicure (and a manicure too, for that matter). No nail polish though...

4. The wrong shirt

Nylon is obviously out. A white shirt and dark body is not permitted unless you are a Mafioso. The main shirt sins are easily fixed, and are more to do with maintenance than anything else. Firstly, a cheap shirt looks cheap. If you want to look cheap too, go for it. Expensive, decent shirts always end up on special deals so look around. Good places are Austin Reed or Jaeger (good offers) and for your best pulling-shirt, Paul Smith, Duchamp or Liberty (but not one that looks like a blouse).

Look after your shirts properly. Don’t smash them through the washing machine on a 1600 spin cycle, for example. If your wife is in charge of all the laundry, she will be hammering them on a boil wash and extra spin for sure. Because who the FUCK do you think you are, expecting her to do your shirts? Look for signs of wear on the cuffs and collar and donate them to the local charity shop as soon as they are past their crispy best (otherwise you’ll forget and wear them anyway). Learn how to iron the collars properly so they don’t get those little creases on the edges, and how to do the sleeves (bearing in mind comments re wife above).

If you are a person who sweats, well hey why not? It’s manly. But make sure you chuck your shirts out when they start to show deodorant stains under the arms and don’t ever, ever do that arms-above-the-head, leaning-back-in-the-chair thing if you’ve got big sweat rings in your armpits. No, no, no.

5. The wrong T shirt

You can’t go wrong with a t shirt right? Wrong. My friend G, immaculate wearer of all the right clothes, doesn’t even own a single one. Get a t shirt that fits, for start. Not too big and baggy, not too small and clingy. It should be clean, without a saggy neck (if it’s gone baggy, time to say goodbye) and either in good condition or deliberately distressed and vintage: this can be cool.

Naff slogans are definitely out. A particularly bad one I saw recently was “I eat pussy like a fat boy eats cake”. Tasteful. Sometimes humorous t shirts can be very funny, but check first that you’re not way off track. Anything about tequila, or nuts, or superman is probably wrong. Polo shirts are NOT in fashion. And think carefully about whether you want to be a walking billboard for someone else’s brand. Gap, American Apparel, Banana Republic, many choices here are fine. Don’t go too fancy. Band t shirts depend entirely on your taste in music. Any t shirt with no sleeves is wrong. This includes all vests and wifebeaters.

6. The wrong nightwear

If you get cold in bed, a worn-out Ramones t shirt is ok. And maybe a navy towelling dressing gown for when you get up to make me an early morning cuppa. Anything remotely in the category of “pyjamas”, Oscar-Wilde velvet smoking jackets, cosy dressing gowns, slippers, all mark you as a grandad. Men only start wearing pyjamas in bed when they need to cover up their prostate-dribble incontinence pants. Don’t go there before you have to. Unless you want to send a firm “don’t even think about having sex” message – which boys usually don’t, at bedtime.

7. The wrong swimwear

Speedos, see item 1 (no visible parts please). Clingy trunks will not make you into Daniel Craig - if only it were that easy. Vilbrequins were cool, until we saw both Tony Blair and David Cameron sporting them on holiday. This was the brand-disaster equivalent of Kerry Katona wearing head-to-foot Burberry and now they are out out out. You’re not a teenager, so choose something age-appropriate. Hackett would be a good place to try. I once spent two weeks in the next bungalow along from Jeremy Hackett at a resort in Crete, and he could look cool and trendy even by the pool.

8. The wrong glasses

Go to an optician with stylish women or gay men to help you choose. They see people trying on specs all day and they can help you select the right shape to flatter your features. Glasses are to assist your vision, not to hide behind if you’re shy: make sure we can still see those gorgeous eyes. Designer brands are likely to look better. Cheap glasses are a false economy: you will wear them every waking moment so the cost-per-wear works out infinitesimal (Not heard of that coefficient before? Girl-maths. Keep up). Change them every two years or so, otherwise you’ll look old fashioned. And please please keep them clean. No smudges, fingermarks or dirt.

9. The wrong accessories

Signet rings or wedding rings are the only appropriate jewellery. Army dog tags are sexy, but only if you are actually a soldier on active combat, with the body to match. Occasionally a small discreet tattoo might just about be ok, but if you didn’t get one in your twenties, don’t start now. Beards, goatees, moustaches: no. Piercing: no no no. Man-tan. No.

10. The wrong pants

Girls my age grew up fantasising about the 501 Laundrette Boy (see point 1), so you might like to bear that in mind. Crisp white boxers are lovely. Other boxers are fine too. Possibly white or black jersey shorts (Calvin Klein) can also work, if they are nice and fresh and tight. As a general rule, I’d say that any other pants are wrong, especially if your reasons are to do with comfort and or support (are you a grandad?) However I’m lately of a mind that if you are very very sexy, you can get away with dad-pants. Just. As long as they are pristine, you have a massive erection to jazz them up, and you don’t keep them on for long.

More complicated than you thought, isn’t it? Anything that could be prefixed dad- (dad-trainers, dad-pants, dad-jumpers) is wrong. Jumpers in fact I could write a whole separate post just on that topic. Don’t venture into jumpers at all without my say-so. Email me a picture and I'll tell you whether it's allowed.

If in doubt, copy Don Draper. Watch a few episodes of Mad Men and you’ll see him in all situations of dress and undress. When you’re confused, just ask yourself “what would Don do?” and you’ll be ok.