Ten Things

Oh how I love lists. My life is run by them, and my head is filled with them. So nice and orderly, so tidy and structured. Trees of the world. 100 things to do with a dead cat. 50 ways to leave your lover. Guinness Book of Records. Ten reasons why I love you. Any top tens, really.


Here's one that made me laugh today. Ten Things Women Wear That Men Hate (you can find it here on MSN if you don't know what any of these garments actually are, boys...in fact that in itself could be a quiz).

What's missing from this list is the explanation. They've approached it as if it's a fashion thang, and that's quite wrong. Men hate these clothes for boy-reasons. Allow me to speak like a man, in the cause of enlightenment.

1. Harem pants
Too baggy and obscure the booty. Instead wear tight gold shorts like Kylie, or a ridiculously short skirt.

2. Jumpsuits
Jumpsuits make us nervous because we don't know how to get them off, it looks very complicated. A short, tight, low cut dress with buttons down the front is best, we know what to do with that.

3. Head bands
What are they for? The only useful purpose served by any kind hair accessory is to stop your hair from flopping forward and obscuring my view when you're giving me the perfect blow job. Some sort of clip that keeps it out the way, then tumbles it back down again afterwards would be ideal.

4. Gladiator sandals
Too clumpy and no heels. I don't care whether they're comfortable, girls look best in lipstick and spiky black heels, like in the magazines and the on-demand movie channels. Fuck-me stilettos were given their name for a good reason.

5. Dungarees
See item 1. Plus, they unnecessarily obscure the view of the breasts, for no good reason. Instead wear shorts and a very tight low-cut t shirt.

6. Leggings
If your legs are in good enough shape to wear something skin tight that completely covers them, what's wrong with skin? Do them justice with a very short skirt and very tall shoes (see item 4).

7. Uggs
See item 4.

8. Oversize sunglasses
I can't see you. You might be looking at other men, or having a little nap while I talk about myself. Instead, have big, bambi eyes and don't stop gazing adoringly at me.

9. Tuxedos
Either they make you look a bit dyke-y, which makes me question your sexuality; or they make you look like a boy, which makes me question mine. If we're going somewhere special, a tight low cut dress is always good. With high heels (see item 4).

10. Anything with fringes on it
What are they for? Girls like dangly shit which has no purpose. Jewellery, phone charms, flapping bits hanging off handbags. What's that all about?

See, girls and boys take a different approach to dressing well. We girls will so often plan an outfit around hiding the bits we don't like. Boys prefer us to show off the good bits. Highlight their favourite parts and they won't look at the rest anyway, they'll be mesmerised.

All we have to remember, according to my dad anyway, is that all men fall into one of two groups. I call it the Sunday-Roast system: breast or leg? Know which category you fall into and get 'em out on show.