I’ve concluded that I have wasted a huge amount of time, effort and brain-space with this endeavour (tryer that I am) so allow me to waste some more time listing them here. It will make me feel better.
Cooking. You may be surprised to know (particularly if you’ve eaten at my house) that I’m a pretty competent cook. It used to be all the rage, didn’t it, proper entertaining? Maybe it still is, for the child-free. Two starters, meat and vegetarian options, two desserts. Home-made bread. It’s making me think that perhaps I should do this again sometime. Although now I’m remembering that we would need to work as a team to run a proper formal dinner party, and we’re all run out of teamworking after a day or week gritting our teeth in harness together. I can also fold napkins in six different ways, including swans, roses and waterlilies.
Sewing. Yes, I can make curtains, cushions, cot-bedding, even clothes. I expect every girl my age can. I can thread the sewing machine, stitch a seam, do a button-hole. I can set a sleeve and a zip, make a dart, overlock a hem. I can darn, let seams in and out, patch. I know which needles to use for jersey and silk and denim. I can also do hand-embroidery, smocking, tapestry, knitting, French knitting and crochet. But it’s only 99p for a top from Primark so I imagine these skills will not be used again.
Reading. Yes, I know most people can read, I mean reading in foreign languages. I used to read a hefty novel or play in French or German almost as easily as one in English, and I haven’t done that for about twenty years. As for my Spanish, I imagine that’s disappeared almost completely. I can still hold a conversation in French, I guess, but my German is slipping away. This is stupid. I love languages and it was once the very only thing I was good at. I must get back into practice.
Tiling. Floors and walls. I’m also counting paving. I was pretty good at all that, when I was too poor to get Czech boys to come and do it all for me. It’s quite boring, but I could do it again if I had to. I can also paint and hang wallpaper (and strip woodchip and Artex...) but so can everyone else. I can use a drill, an electric screwdriver, a saw, a glue gun, a router.
Interior design. People keep telling me I could make a lot of money, doing up houses and selling them. I credit all this to my friend who has spent her career editing very posh home magazines. I used to buy her mags purely out of loyalty, but it seemed to rub off. However I do really hate both shopping and co-ordinating tradesmen, so I hope never to have to do up a house again. Unless I’m embarking on a new life, in which case I will relish the chance to start with a blank canvas.
Music. Oddly enough, I play the piano a lot even though it was always my worst instrument and I am a horribly amateurish grade 5 or so. Yet having been a competent violin player (at one point I considered becoming a teacher) I never touch it other than to help Thing One with her practice. Similarly singing. One solitary cassette exists of the band, me singing a cover version of Each And Every One. No one may listen to this, but I sometimes do, and marvel at how good my voice sounded when I sang every day, properly. I went through a phase where I decided to try and learn one key piece on as many instruments as I could. I can still with a fair wind play Hotel California on the guitar (including the twiddly intro) and Stranger On The Shore on the clarinet, as well as a snatch from Peter And The Wolf on the bassoon. There were probably other things too. What a waste. I can also mix on a four-track.
Databases. Once in 1996 I built a whole CAFM system for a national museum. Constructed in Access, it had work requests, time sheets, planned and cyclical maintenance schedules, an asset register, a contractor register, the whole nine yards. Automatic job tickets, management reports, summaries. I found this the other day and looked at it in wonderment. How did I do that?
Dancing. I have gold medals in rock’n’roll, Latin-American and ballroom dancing. And lordy you would not believe it to look at me now. As well as my twinkling toes, I had fantastic legs, great posture and a flat stomach. I looked fantastic. And I spent the whole time in leggings, huge baggy mohair sweaters and Converse boots, worrying that I was fat. If I’d known then how I was going to look now, I’d have worn a bikini every day.
Skills I have learned that nobody needs any more include:
• Replacing a typewriter ribbon
• Learning how to use various defunct computer packages (Wordstar with all those function keys, Harvard Graphics, FoxPro)
• Using a telex machine
• Adjusting the test card on the TV
• Burping a hot water bottle (microwave gel packs have taken over)
• The reliable use of belt-and-loop sanitary towels (oh thank god)
• Double de-clutching
• Using a slide rule and log book
• Doing client pitches with stand-up presenter-folders
• Labelling everything with a Dymo
There may be more. We were at a friend’s house the other day, and they have a reconditioned Bakelite telephone with a curly wire. Really funky. The girls were very excited: “we’ve seen these olden-timesy phones on TV! Can we try it out?”
They were baffled. They did not know how to use the dial.
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